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Posted in journal, Life, Randomness

Ramblings of a confused mind

I have had writer’s block for a couple of weeks now. More like mental block actually. My mind is just blank whenever I’m in front of the computer trying to write something, whether it’s my thesis or here on my blog. Some days I get a little bit done, a couple of ideas, a sentence or two here and there. Some days there’s nothing. I just stare at the screen for hours. I pass the time by crocheting, of course. Or browsing the internet for crochet projects, looking at yarn, planning my life, trying to exercise. Yeah, lots of stuff other than what I’m actually supposed to be doing. So, here’s a blog post of all the random thoughts I have had these past few weeks.

Most days I feel like I’m lost, like I don’t know what to do with my life. I know I want to get this thesis over with, and the only way to do that is to get this introduction done. I’ve been working on it for more or less 6 sems already. See, I lost my motivation to do it after I got the feedback the first time I submitted it. It literally came back to me all red, and the way the comments were phrased by my adviser, it made it sound like I was a complete idiot for not knowing how to make an introduction. FYI, I don’t. In my undergrad at Educ, we didn’t have to do a thesis, which is obviously something they should reconsider. Yes, there were papers submitted, but a real, actual thesis? None. Then when you get to grad school, your professors just assume you know what to do and then give you these shitty comments that make you feel like you’re dumber than dumb. So yeah, after that, I put it away for a loooooong time. I was demotivated, I didn’t want anything to do with it anymore, I wanted to quit. But people (who I now realize were not really after my best interest so to speak) convinced me to get it done, try and finish it. Here I am, after 6 semesters, still trying to get it done.

I hate when people try to compare you to them. Like, when you’re going through something and their advice starts with “In my case, when I did this and that and whatever sh*t…” I find it very… selfish. It’s like they’re not really listening to what YOU are feeling, they want you to know what THEY are feeling. Like really? I don’t care that you went through that with your ex or whatever, I want to know what I should do to  make ME feel better. I wish people would realize that, if I wanted to know what you went through, I’d ask. If not, SHUT UP and LISTEN to me.

And people who say they want what’s best for you, but then talk about you behind your back. What is up with that??? Telling people, how she had a good thing going but let it all slip away because of “personal issues.” FYI, those “personal issues,” have something to do with you and the way you treat other people. In case no one has told you, you are self-centered. All conversation has to revolve around you. You literally pull back the conversation to focus on yourself. You are an attention whore. You make a big deal out of the smallest thing. Girl, if I wanted to talk to you (and I don’t because I know you’re just going to make it all about you) I would. Me being quiet and avoiding you means I DON’T want anything to do with you because I am tired of your self-centered attitude. Sure, being self-aware is great, and maybe I need to learn to do that. But being self-aware is very much different from being self-centered, which is what you are.

I want to learn to knit. But there are a lot of things I have to think about before I start. First, knitting seems a lot harder than crocheting. It looks like it takes a lot of hand-eye coordination. Second, the weather back here doesn’t seem to be conducive to making anything knitted wearable. It’s too damn hot. I step away from the fan for a few minutes and my sweat comes pouring. Lastly, that would mean buying knitting needles and nicer, thicker yarn. And right now I can’t afford to buy any more materials until I can sell the stuff I make. Well I have a “crochet money” jar now which has the P500 I got from my very first sale of Spiky the dragon (which I have learned is actually spelled Spikey HAHA).  I need to figure out what other stuff I can make that people *might* want to buy. THEN, I can get more yarn and stuff.

I’ve either learned to be very patient or I’m being really stupid. Z and I are talking less, therefore fighting less, and I’m somehow okay with that. Well not really, I’m okay with fighting less, but the talking less is bothering me a bit. I mean, yeah he tries, and I appreciate the effort. Lately he tries to be on every night, the longest he’s been gone recently was a day or two. But when he can, he goes online a couple of minutes a night just to talk for a bit before he completely disappears again. I don’t know what he’s up to, most likely work as usual, but sometimes I have to wonder. Is he really too busy he can’t even spare a couple of minutes to talk? How can he go days without talking to me when I have to check every hour if he’s sent me a message or something? Does he even think about me when he’s away? Do I really trust him that much to not think that he may be fooling around and that sh*t?

Meh. Some days I don’t know what to think anymore. But, one lesson I have learned is to just go with the flow and let things go the way they should.

I know this isn’t much of a blog post, more of a collection of ramblings. But at least, I finally get to post them. HAHA.

Hopefully in the next few days I’ll be able to come up with a real post. 😁

XoXo 💜

 

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Posted in Life, Love

💜 and 💔

A year and a couple of months ago, was when we first “met.” I never told anyone this but it wasn’t an online dating site. It was one of those online things where you anonymously post a “secret.” You can like, comment, and even message the person who posted said “secret.” It was around the same time when I had had enough of the creeps messaging me on some online dating sites I was on. (Pause: if you’re going to judge me for this, please leave cause I don’t need your negativity in my life. Thank you)

If I remember correctly, my post said something along the lines of “Some days I wish I could just stay home and be a good wife and mom. But then I’d have to meet my forever first.” I wasn’t expecting any reactions to it, just wanted to say it. So when I got his message I was surprised. He asked me, “What would your forever be like?” and I told him what I was looking for – someone kind, smart, thoughtful, understanding, loyal. He said those were “easy” things but that it seemed hard to find someone who had those traits. I agreed, and he said he thought he had most of those. 😏 That’s how we started talking.

After a while, he told me how he felt. He didn’t pressure me into being in a relationship since he knew what I had gone through previously. I was scared to step into something I wasn’t sure I could handle, but even more scared that I’d regret it if I didn’t take a chance. So I did.

As with any other Long Distance Relationship (LDR), the time difference (13-14 hours) was a pain in the a**. He’d be up just as I was about to go tobedand ready for bed as I was starting my day. But once we had established a routine, it wasn’t that difficult to find time to talk. Until it was.

These last few months, he has been very busy with work. He owns a business renting properties and is often on the road checking on them. At first, it was okay cause we could still talk every once in a while. But then he started “disappearing” for longer periods of time. There are times when he doesn’t message me for a week, and naturally, I was worried about him. With this disappearing act of his came the arguments. Whenever we did talk, we would argue…about everything. I would ask him if he could at least take the time to let me know he’d be away, but I never got anything from all that asking. Maybe I was too scared of messing things up, that I messed everything up in the process. I tried my best to make it work, but my best just wasn’t enough.

My heart had been broken before and I thought I’d never be able to make it whole again. I never thought I’d “meet” anyone who could put the pieces back together and let me love (andbe loved) again. He did. But giving your heart to someone means risking it getting broken again. And that’s where I am now. I am more broken now than I was back then. My heart feels like it has been shattered into a million pieces that I could never pick them all up to make it whole again. I want to scream and cry, but even my voice and my tears seem to have left me.

I wrote this a week ago. I have since cried my eyes out, and I have told everyone who asked (and had time to listen) what I was feeling. After that, there was nothing. I wasn’t sad-mad or sad anymore. I slept better at night because I didn’t have to stay up and wait if he was going to talk to me or not. Even when he did say “hello,” I didn’t expect him to answer back so I just let it be. I’m not any more bothered that he takes hours, or days to reply. I still worry of course, but that’s how it is.

Friends have given different advice – forget about him, move on, just wait, give him time – which honestly, just confused me more. Do they really think it was that easy to forget someone? How can you move on from someone when you don’t even know if it’s over? How long do I have to wait? How much time does he need? I know these questions make me sound like I have no idea how to handle relationships, that’s because I really don’t.

My first (and last) serious (?) relationship before this one was a very looooong time ago. It was back in high school, and after that was over, I never really had other “serious” relationships. Most were just seeing people here and there. At that time I was more focused on finishing school, finding work, and raising a daughter. I wasn’t a “normal” teenager. I was forced to “grow up” faster because I had another hooman being depending on me. This other human is now more mature than I am. HAHA. In one of her letters to me last year, she wrote that she was happy that I had found someone who made me happy, that it was about time I focused on myself. All these years I had been focused on making her happy. Last week, she left me a note which had me crying even more. She’d give me hugs when she saw me crying. She held my hand while we were sleeping.

I have always been impatient, with everything; always wanted to get things done my way. Maybe what happened was a wake-up call, to teach me that I needed to be more patient. A LOT MORE. 🤔

Things happen for a reason. People come into our lives for a reason. We may not understand it at first, but eventually, it becomes clear to us what the purpose of all this is. Maybe there’s a lesson in there somewhere that we need to learn. We just have to take time to reflect on it to understand what it is.

I don’t even know if that all made sense. HAHA. But, to end this (non-sensical) post, here are some quotes I found about why everything happens for a reason:

1.) “Realize that if a door closed, it’s because what was behind it wasn’t meant for you.”
― Mandy Hale, The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass

2.) “Eventually all things fall into place. Until then, laugh at the confusion, live for the moments, and know EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.”
— Albert Schweitzer

3.) “I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”
— Marilyn Monroe

4.) “There will always be a reason why you meet people. Either you need them to change your life or you’re the one that will change theirs.”
– Angel Flonis Harefa

5.) “I trust that everything happens for a reason, even if we are not wise enough to see it.”
— Oprah Winfrey

6.) “Someday, everything will make perfect sense. So for now, laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears, be strong and keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason.”
— John Mayer

XoXo 💜

Posted in journal

#BlogCrush

Lucy At Home

Imagine my surprise when I was told I’d been featured as a #blogcrush. Of course, I had no idea what that meant. Haha. 🙂

I guess that’s a sign. I will try to post at least once a week sooooo watch out for more of my silly (and serious) posts. 😉

XoXo ❤

 

Posted in Crochet, journal, Love

My Valentine’s date 💜

I have been crocheting for a couple of months now. If you read my previous post on The Sassy Diarists, you know what got me started on this new hobby. (If you haven’t read it, well you should! Go read it here. 😁)

These past few days, weeks more like it, have been a little rough. After a year, being in an LDR is starting to take its toll on me and Z. We don’t get to talk much cause he’s always on the road (or on one of his properties’ roof or something) for work. And most of the time when we do get to talk, we argue about things. I won’t go into details, just that it has been really difficult. It has had me in an “I’ll-be-okay-just-let-me-be-sad-for-a-while” mood. 😌

The first couple of days I would cry at night because I was sad-mad. I couldn’t sleep so I started working on some crochet projects. I literally crocheted my Valentine’s Day away this year. 😅 One of my projects was a giraffe, which I found on my Amigurumi Today app. I moved from being sad-mad to just being sad. I slept a little better each night, but still took time to work on my Hearty Giraffe.

hearty-giraffe-amigurumi-pattern-free
Hearty Giraffe from Amigurumi Today

After almost 2 weeks, I was done being sad. I was also done with “Geoffrey” the Giraffe. 😁

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Geoffrey’s parts waiting to be sewn together.
Fotor_151909823230445
Off with his head! 🙂
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Headless Geoffrey (with an attitude)

His head (horns, ears, arms, and legs 😅) are a little wonky, but that’s what makes him unique. He isn’t perfect because I cannot sew the parts on properly. But he’s mine. He was there when I was sad and lonely, and needed some company. Technically speaking, Geoffrey was my Valentine’s Day date this year. 😊😍

Fotor_151909854889481

I still need more practice (A LOT MORE) in sewing parts together cleanly before I can be confident enough to give my stuffed animals away. 😅 But I’m glad to have found a hobby that keeps me busy and keeps me sane when all else is driving me mad (more like in-Zane 😏). Hehehe.

Now, I’ll get back to my shawls.

XoXo 💜

PS: Follow me on IG @hookedinchains for more crochet-related posts 😊 (follow buttons are over on the side panels 👉 I think hehe 😀)

PPS: If you have any suggestions on what projects I could try out, please feel free to message me. Free patterns preferred as I am too poor to buy patterns. HAHA.

Posted in journal, Love, Randomness

Some days.

Some days are sunny.
It’s bright and beautiful, warm and fuzzy.
Nothing can go wrong.

Some days are gloomy.
It’s cold and dark, sad and dreary.
Nothing seems right.

But life isn’t always sunshine and rainbows.
We all have our good days and bad.

Some days all we can do is wish for things,
To be the way we want.

Most days I wish I was a fairy.
A sprinkle of dust here, a little whisper there,
And I can make wishes come true.

And what would I wish for?

Some days I wish I was yours.
Yours to have, yours to hold.
Yours to love forevermore.

Some days I wish you were mine.
Mine to cherish, mine to love.
Mine from now until the end of time.

Most days I wish we were together.
Living our happy ever after.
Always. Forever.

02/09/18

Posted in journal

Do you see me?

via Daily Prompt: Superficial

People look. What do they see?

They see me. But they don’t see ME.

They see my face (I know I’m not pretty)

Not beautiful or gorgeous, just plain, simple me.

But what they see is “ugly”

Not beautiful, not pretty, just ugly old me.

 

I’ve spent years thinking they were right,

Always feeling bad about myself,

I was the fat kid, the ugly kid,

The not-to-bright kid, the failure, the disappointment

I never felt I’d ever be good enough

For anyone to be proud of me.

 

 

I never thought I’d meet someone,

Who’d look beyond the way I look

But HE came along and made me realize,

That love doesn’t care about looks.

He loved me when I couldn’t love myself,

Looked beyond what people see.

He pushes me to love myself,

And be happy to be me.

 

 

Posted in journal, Life

It’s one of those days I feel like I’m going round and round in circles.

Thesis is driving me crazy. I’ve been working on my introduction for almost 2 years now, and I’m still working on it. I’m stuck. It’s not that I don’t know what to write about, it’s more of I don’t know how to write about it.

Right now, I’d rather focus on other things – work, self, relationships – than have this dark cloud hovering overhead. I’ve thought about quitting and just living a “normal” life. I’ve been talked out of quitting more than once, but the thought is still there.

It feels like running around in circles, not finding an exit or a way out. It’s dizzying, tiring, and just…draining.

 

Posted in journal, Randomness

This is what happy looks like. I think.

“There are different kinds of happy,” she said. “Some kinds don’t need any proof.” (This is What Happy Looks Like, 2013) 

It’s been a while since I’ve picked up a book and read for fun. A couple of weeks ago, I figured that since I couldn’t seem to fall asleep even if I was dead tired, I’d go read a book. This is What Happy Looks Like by Jennifer E. Smith, was the book of choice. I thought that maybe, just maybe, it could help me figure out what happy looked like. It didn’t. Well, I didn’t really finish reading the book, I got bored a quarter of the way through.

What does happy look like? I doubt that there is one definite answer to that. We look for happiness in so many different places, different people even, that sometimes we forget…happiness is found within. It’s in the simple things that make you smile. The little things that make you appreciate life. Happy, is felt from the heart. ❤

For me, happy is seeing a rainbow after the rain. Hearing a baby laugh. Eating chocolate. Getting a hug. Happy is not having to wake up early. Or not getting stuck in traffic for who knows how long. The smell of coffee. Ice cream. Flowers. Puppies. And the list goes on.

So what does happy look like? Right now, it looks like you. 😉

 

 

 

Posted in Cookies, Food

Chocolate Chip Cookies

So, I was craving for chocolate chip cookies and the only ones we had here were the original Chips Ahoy! (the one in the blue packaging). As much as I like ’em. I find them too hard. So I went in search of a “soft and chewy” chocolate chip cookie recipe, and found these Chewy Chocolate Chunk Cookies.

I didn’t have baking chocolate to “chunk” but I did have some Curly Tops, so I chopped those up and tossed ’em into the dough along with the chocolate chips. I made the dough on a Thursday, planning to bake them on Friday morning to bring to my daughter at school for their Stargazing Activity. However, she asked us to come earlier, so I left the dough chilling for another day or two. 🙂

As much as the instructions were quite easy to follow, I think I must’ve done something wrong ’cause they didn’t turn out quite like how it was pictured in the blog. The first 2 batches I made were soft and chewy enough for me, although my sister and my daughter said they seemed a bit too soft and seemed “uncooked” to them. The last batch I made looked “perfectly round,” but was a bit too done for my taste.

I didn’t get to take pictures as I was making them (maybe next time, I will try), but I was able to take pictures of them as I was setting them down on a plate. 🙂

Chocolate Chip cookies (with Curly Top Chunks)
Chocolate Chip cookies (with Curly Top Chunks)