Posted in journal, Life, Randomness

Ramblings of a confused mind

I have had writer’s block for a couple of weeks now. More like mental block actually. My mind is just blank whenever I’m in front of the computer trying to write something, whether it’s my thesis or here on my blog. Some days I get a little bit done, a couple of ideas, a sentence or two here and there. Some days there’s nothing. I just stare at the screen for hours. I pass the time by crocheting, of course. Or browsing the internet for crochet projects, looking at yarn, planning my life, trying to exercise. Yeah, lots of stuff other than what I’m actually supposed to be doing. So, here’s a blog post of all the random thoughts I have had these past few weeks.

Most days I feel like I’m lost, like I don’t know what to do with my life. I know I want to get this thesis over with, and the only way to do that is to get this introduction done. I’ve been working on it for more or less 6 sems already. See, I lost my motivation to do it after I got the feedback the first time I submitted it. It literally came back to me all red, and the way the comments were phrased by my adviser, it made it sound like I was a complete idiot for not knowing how to make an introduction. FYI, I don’t. In my undergrad at Educ, we didn’t have to do a thesis, which is obviously something they should reconsider. Yes, there were papers submitted, but a real, actual thesis? None. Then when you get to grad school, your professors just assume you know what to do and then give you these shitty comments that make you feel like you’re dumber than dumb. So yeah, after that, I put it away for a loooooong time. I was demotivated, I didn’t want anything to do with it anymore, I wanted to quit. But people (who I now realize were not really after my best interest so to speak) convinced me to get it done, try and finish it. Here I am, after 6 semesters, still trying to get it done.

I hate when people try to compare you to them. Like, when you’re going through something and their advice starts with “In my case, when I did this and that and whatever sh*t…” I find it very… selfish. It’s like they’re not really listening to what YOU are feeling, they want you to know what THEY are feeling. Like really? I don’t care that you went through that with your ex or whatever, I want to know what I should do to  make ME feel better. I wish people would realize that, if I wanted to know what you went through, I’d ask. If not, SHUT UP and LISTEN to me.

And people who say they want what’s best for you, but then talk about you behind your back. What is up with that??? Telling people, how she had a good thing going but let it all slip away because of “personal issues.” FYI, those “personal issues,” have something to do with you and the way you treat other people. In case no one has told you, you are self-centered. All conversation has to revolve around you. You literally pull back the conversation to focus on yourself. You are an attention whore. You make a big deal out of the smallest thing. Girl, if I wanted to talk to you (and I don’t because I know you’re just going to make it all about you) I would. Me being quiet and avoiding you means I DON’T want anything to do with you because I am tired of your self-centered attitude. Sure, being self-aware is great, and maybe I need to learn to do that. But being self-aware is very much different from being self-centered, which is what you are.

I want to learn to knit. But there are a lot of things I have to think about before I start. First, knitting seems a lot harder than crocheting. It looks like it takes a lot of hand-eye coordination. Second, the weather back here doesn’t seem to be conducive to making anything knitted wearable. It’s too damn hot. I step away from the fan for a few minutes and my sweat comes pouring. Lastly, that would mean buying knitting needles and nicer, thicker yarn. And right now I can’t afford to buy any more materials until I can sell the stuff I make. Well I have a “crochet money” jar now which has the P500 I got from my very first sale of Spiky the dragon (which I have learned is actually spelled Spikey HAHA).  I need to figure out what other stuff I can make that people *might* want to buy. THEN, I can get more yarn and stuff.

I’ve either learned to be very patient or I’m being really stupid. Z and I are talking less, therefore fighting less, and I’m somehow okay with that. Well not really, I’m okay with fighting less, but the talking less is bothering me a bit. I mean, yeah he tries, and I appreciate the effort. Lately he tries to be on every night, the longest he’s been gone recently was a day or two. But when he can, he goes online a couple of minutes a night just to talk for a bit before he completely disappears again. I don’t know what he’s up to, most likely work as usual, but sometimes I have to wonder. Is he really too busy he can’t even spare a couple of minutes to talk? How can he go days without talking to me when I have to check every hour if he’s sent me a message or something? Does he even think about me when he’s away? Do I really trust him that much to not think that he may be fooling around and that sh*t?

Meh. Some days I don’t know what to think anymore. But, one lesson I have learned is to just go with the flow and let things go the way they should.

I know this isn’t much of a blog post, more of a collection of ramblings. But at least, I finally get to post them. HAHA.

Hopefully in the next few days I’ll be able to come up with a real post. 😁

XoXo 💜

 

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Author:

Mom. Teacher. Student. Crocheter. Fairy Princess.

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