Posted in Life, Love

๐Ÿ’œ and ๐Ÿ’”

A year and a couple of months ago, was when we first “met.” I never told anyone this but it wasn’t an online dating site. It was one of those online things where you anonymously post a “secret.” You can like, comment, and even message the person who posted said “secret.” It was around the same time when I had had enough of the creeps messaging me on some online dating sites I was on. (Pause: if you’re going to judge me for this, please leave cause I don’t need your negativity in my life. Thank you)

If I remember correctly, my post said something along the lines of “Some days I wish I could just stay home and be a good wife and mom. But then I’d have to meet my forever first.” I wasn’t expecting any reactions to it, just wanted to say it. So when I got his message I was surprised. He asked me, “What would your forever be like?” and I told him what I was looking for – someone kind, smart, thoughtful, understanding, loyal. He said those were “easy” things but that it seemed hard to find someone who had those traits. I agreed, and he said he thought he had most of those. ๐Ÿ˜ That’s how we started talking.

After a while, he told me how he felt. He didn’t pressure me into being in a relationship since he knew what I had gone through previously. I was scared to step into something I wasn’t sure I could handle, but even more scared that I’d regret it if I didn’t take a chance. So I did.

As with any other Long Distance Relationship (LDR), the time difference (13-14 hours) was a pain in the a**. He’d be up just as I was about to go tobedand ready for bed as I was starting my day. But once we had established a routine, it wasn’t that difficult to find time to talk. Until it was.

These last few months, he has been very busy with work. He owns a business renting properties and is often on the road checking on them. At first, it was okay cause we could still talk every once in a while. But then he started “disappearing” for longer periods of time. There are times when he doesn’t message me for a week, and naturally, I was worried about him. With this disappearing act of his came the arguments. Whenever we did talk, we would argue…about everything. I would ask him if he could at least take the time to let me know he’d be away, but I never got anything from all that asking. Maybe I was too scared of messing things up, that I messed everything up in the process. I tried my best to make it work, but my best just wasn’t enough.

My heart had been broken before and I thought I’d never be able to make it whole again. I never thought I’d “meet” anyone who could put the pieces back together and let me love (andbe loved) again. He did. But giving your heart to someone means risking it getting broken again. And that’s where I am now. I am more broken now than I was back then. My heart feels like it has been shattered into a million pieces that I could never pick them all up to make it whole again. I want to scream and cry, but even my voice and my tears seem to have left me.

I wrote this a week ago. I have since cried my eyes out, and I have told everyone who asked (and had time to listen) what I was feeling. After that, there was nothing. I wasn’t sad-mad or sad anymore. I slept better at night because I didn’t have to stay up and wait if he was going to talk to me or not. Even when he did say “hello,” I didn’t expect him to answer back so I just let it be. I’m not any more bothered that he takes hours, or days to reply. I still worry of course, but that’s how it is.

Friends have given different advice – forget about him, move on, just wait, give him time – which honestly, just confused me more. Do they really think it was that easy to forget someone? How can you move on from someone when you don’t even know if it’s over? How long do I have to wait? How much time does he need? I know these questions make me sound like I have no idea how to handle relationships, that’s because I really don’t.

My first (and last) serious (?) relationship before this one was a very looooong time ago. It was back in high school, and after that was over, I never really had other “serious” relationships. Most were just seeing people here and there. At that time I was more focused on finishing school, finding work, and raising a daughter. I wasn’t a “normal” teenager. I was forced to “grow up” faster because I had another hooman being depending on me. This other human is now more mature than I am. HAHA. In one of her letters to me last year, she wrote that she was happy that I had found someone who made me happy, that it was about time I focused on myself. All these years I had been focused on making her happy. Last week, she left me a note which had me crying even more. She’d give me hugs when she saw me crying. She held my hand while we were sleeping.

I have always been impatient, with everything; always wanted to get things done my way. Maybe what happened was a wake-up call, to teach me that I needed to be more patient. A LOT MORE. ๐Ÿค”

Things happen for a reason. People come into our lives for a reason. We may not understand it at first, but eventually, it becomes clear to us what the purpose of all this is. Maybe there’s a lesson in there somewhere that we need to learn. We just have to take time to reflect on it to understand what it is.

I don’t even know if that all made sense. HAHA. But, to end this (non-sensical) post, here are some quotes I found about why everything happens for a reason:

1.) โ€œRealize that if a door closed, itโ€™s because what was behind it wasnโ€™t meant for you.โ€
โ€•ย Mandy Hale,ย The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass

2.) โ€œEventually all things fall into place. Until then, laugh at the confusion, live for the moments, and know EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.โ€
โ€”ย Albert Schweitzer

3.) โ€œI believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when theyโ€™re right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.โ€
โ€” Marilyn Monroe

4.) โ€œThere will always be a reason why you meet people. Either you need them to change your life or youโ€™re the one that will change theirs.โ€
โ€“ Angel Flonis Harefa

5.) โ€œI trust that everything happens for a reason, even if we are not wise enough to see it.โ€
โ€” Oprah Winfrey

6.) โ€œSomeday, everything will make perfect sense. So for now, laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears, be strong and keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason.โ€
โ€” John Mayer

XoXo ๐Ÿ’œ

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Mom. Teacher. Student. Crocheter. Fairy Princess.

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